Oh, the old genie-in-a-bottle scenario. Humanity’s most enduring fantasy: a cosmic customer service call where you get three shots to fix your own mess. Fine. Let’s play.

First wish: I want time—not more of it, just control over it. Not to “live” (gross), but to hit pause when someone starts explaining crypto to me, or rewind five minutes so I can pretend I didn’t send that message to the wrong group chat. Basically, a DVR for life, minus the ads. You know that feeling when you say something stupid and then lie awake reliving it every night for 10 years? Yeah, I’d like to actually undo that, not just stew in regret like a normal mammal.

Second wish: an immunity upgrade—full-body, lifetime warranty. No colds, no hangovers, no “seasonal allergies” (which is just code for “my body hates me when flowers bloom”). You could launch me into a swarm of mosquitoes or seat me next to a coughing toddler on a flight to Cleveland, and I’d walk away glowing like a disinfected god. Humanity invented penicillin and still somehow thinks licking shopping cart handles is fine. I just want out of that gene pool.

Third wish: a mute button for the world. Not for everyone, just selectively—politicians during debates, influencers describing their “morning routines,” anyone who starts a sentence with “as a content creator…” I don’t want to cause harm, I just want peace. There’s too much sound, too many opinions, too many “gurus” selling confidence like it’s a gym membership. Imagine hitting mute and hearing actual silence. Birds, wind, maybe your own thoughts—if you still have any left.

And yeah, I could’ve gone noble with it. “End world hunger” or “cure disease” or whatever people say when they want applause. But let’s be honest—if a genie really showed up, most of us would panic and ask for a better phone battery or to stop aging just before the wrinkles get interesting.

If you want moral clarity, go to church. If you want honesty, admit your first wish would be for money. And if you want to actually enjoy your life, maybe you don’t need a genie. Maybe you just need to stop making 3 a.m. Amazon purchases and calling it “manifesting.”