Daily writing prompt

What’s the most annoying trope in books or movies?

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There are a lot of annoying movie tropes. The hero who can suddenly fight twelve guys because apparently everyone else forgot how punching works. The idiot who hears a noise in the basement and thinks, “I should absolutely investigate this alone.” The person who falls down once and is somehow unconscious for seventeen minutes. All annoying. But none of them hold a candle to the Hallmark Channel trope where some perfectly functional adult suddenly decides their entire life is meaningless because they went back to their hometown for three days. You know the movie. She lives in a big city, has a successful career, a nice apartment and clothes that probably cost more than my first car. Then something happens. Her grandmother needs help, the family business is in trouble, Christmas is coming, or there is some kind of festival. There is apparently always some fucking festival. So she goes back to her tiny hometown, and within approximately eleven minutes, she runs into the guy she dated in high school.

He is now a handsome small-business owner who somehow spends every weekday building furniture, rescuing dogs, chopping firewood and maintaining perfect facial hair. He has not aged. Not even slightly. Apparently time only affects everyone else. They immediately dislike each other because the Hallmark Cinematic Constitution requires that two attractive people who obviously like each other must spend at least 90 minutes pretending they can’t stand each other. Then comes the montage. They decorate something. They bake something. They walk through a Christmas market. They have a conversation while looking at each other instead of where they’re walking. There is probably a horse somewhere. Eventually she realizes she doesn’t want her big-city career anymore. She wants to run the family bakery, marry the guy from high school and live in a town where the population appears to consist entirely of people who own adorable independent businesses.

And that’s the part that drives me nuts. Nobody ever says, “I like my career and my apartment. I’m going to keep my life and visit home more often.” Nope. Hallmark demands total surrender. The protagonist must reject modern society, abandon whatever career she spent ten years building, move into a house with suspiciously affordable real estate and fall in love before the credits. Meanwhile, the guy has apparently been waiting in the same town for fifteen years, emotionally preserved like a Christmas ham, just hoping she would eventually return. There is always a lesson. Follow your heart. Slow down. Remember what’s important. Believe in love. Sure. But sometimes what’s important is having a 401(k). Sometimes following your heart means keeping your damn job. And sometimes the most romantic thing two adults can do is admit they have completely different lives and schedule a vacation six months from now.

But that’s not Hallmark. Hallmark doesn’t want reality. Hallmark wants snow that falls on Christmas Eve, charming little towns that have no traffic, bakeries that somehow remain open despite having three customers a day, and men who own enough flannel to clothe a lumberjack army. And every time I say I’m never watching another one, there I am again. Because apparently this is what happens when you get older. You start complaining about Hallmark movies while knowing exactly how the damn movie ends. She’ll quit her job. He’ll smile. The bakery will be saved. Someone will hang Christmas lights. There will be a kiss. Roll credits. Humanity has apparently decided this is entertainment. We used to have Die Hard. Now we have a woman named Madison rediscovering herself at a Christmas tree farm. Progress.