If I could start a new business right now, I already know what I’d do. Revenge for hire. I blame Dirty Work. That movie planted the idea in my brain that maybe there is a legitimate market for people who have been screwed over and want somebody else to handle the petty retaliation. Not murder. Not arson. Nothing that requires explaining your browser history to federal agents. Just consequences. Small, annoying, beautifully unnecessary consequences.

The business model would be simple. You tell me what somebody did. I figure out the most irritating legal way to make their life slightly worse. Your neighbor keeps blocking your driveway? Congratulations, they now have to deal with an absurd amount of perfectly legitimate paperwork. Somebody treated you like garbage at work? Maybe their office mysteriously receives twelve catalogs for things they absolutely do not need. Somebody screwed you over and thinks they got away with it? Not anymore. The goal isn’t destruction. The goal is inconvenience. There is an important distinction, mostly because lawyers are expensive.

I would run the whole operation like an old-school Gen X business. No app. No subscription. No cryptocurrency. No inspirational mission statement written by some twenty-three-year-old wearing a hoodie. You call. You explain the situation. I say, “Yeah, they’re an asshole.” Then we come up with a plan. Completely professional. Completely ridiculous. Completely deniable. Basically customer service for people who have finally run out of patience.

Obviously, this is probably not a business society is prepared to accept, because apparently we’re supposed to be mature adults who communicate our feelings instead of weaponizing inconvenience. Fine. Whatever. But I still think there’s a market for it. Sometimes people don’t need therapy, a podcast, or another inspirational quote printed over a picture of a mountain. Sometimes they just need consequences. And sometimes the most satisfying business in the world would be one that simply says: You screwed with the wrong person.